Close Encounters of the Crazy Kind
Without a doubt, the medical field is very personal, even invasive at times. It has to be in order to offer any real help to you. You tell and show your doctor things that you would’t tell anyone else, not even your closest friend or spouse. Medical practitioners take this responsibility very seriously. The exam room should be a black hole to any personal information that you decide to tell (or show) the medical team assisting you, the only exception being indications of harming yourself or others. Oh, and the emergency room (ER). That place is for saving lives, not keeping secrets. In the ER, everything you say can be heard by the patient on the other side of that curtain. But don’t worry, you get to hear their story too. Maybe you’ll luck out and it will be an interesting one!
With that being said, anyone who works with the general public on a regular basis understands that sometimes you meet, um, interesting people. Due to the nature of the medical field, we sometimes get the privilege of knowing these people more personally than we’d like. Honestly, sometimes it’s hilarious and makes my day. But sometimes, like a “Gen Z-er,” I just can’t even.
Here are some of those times…
Mature content disclaimer: The content of this post is generally safe, but may be deemed “too adulty” for you young guns under 18. In today’s world, this warning is probably overly conservative, but regardless, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Parental Discretion Advised, probably.
Love struck patients 😍
Oh, the ER. I remember one night a snickering nurse telling me, “The patient in Room X is ready for you.” As an eager young student just starting my ER rotation I jumped at the opportunity, only to be faced with a couple in the ER bed that were clearly “in love.” First of all, WHAT THE ACTUAL HECK!? WHO DOES THIS!? The next question that came to mind was, “Wait, which one is the patient?” As I’m trying to separate them in order to find the one with the hospital armband, all I can think to myself is,
“Go to PA school, they said. It will be rewarding, they said…”
Never mind who was and wasn’t wearing a wedding band or the obvious “We see you in here but don’t care” glances. I don’t even remember the reason the patient was in the ER. But rest assured, medically they were doing just fine.
Another day, another life saved. Which reminds me…
The Exhibitionist 🐥
Sometimes in the medical world, we have to be exposed to your personal areas. Often we don’t, but some of you want to show us anyway. Now, some of you are simply laid back and more comfortable with any potential unintentional exposure. That’s fine, it happens, it’s nothing we haven’t seen before. I’m talking about going out of your way to expose yourself. Sometimes you’re sly about it. You know, “Whoops! My hospital gown must have come untied, again, even though the staff just helped me tie it, twice.” But sometimes, you don’t even bother pretending…
Me: “Hi, ma’am, tell me about that sore throat of yours.”
Patient: “It hurts really bad. Oh! You’re definitely going to need to listen to my chest right?”
Me (to myself): “Oh boy.”
Patient: *Takes top completely off*
Me: “Ma’am, you really don’t need to remove your bra, or shirt, or anything at all really…”
Patient: “But you need to be thorough…”
Me: “Not THAT thorough. Please get dressed. And I’ll be right back, with a nurse…”
There’s a routine thing in medicine called a “chaperone.” It’s when a doctor, especially male, brings a third party (usually a female) from the staff into the exam room with them if that visit is expected to potentially involve exposing a patient’s “sensitive areas.” This is for the patient’s comfort as well as medical legal reasons. However, if you find your doctor leaving the room and returning with a “chaperone” when you’re only there for a paper cut on your finger, you might be an exhibitionist.
PRO TIP: Hospital gowns should generally be worn so that they open to the back. So if anything other than your trunk is exposed when you put it on, flip that bad boy around.
The “How did I get this sexually transmitted infection?” patient 🤷♂️
Me: “Look, all I know is this infection you have is only gotten by having intercourse with someone else who has it.”
Patient: “But I’m married! For X years!”
Me: “I understand.”
Patient: “Are you saying that my husband/wife cheated on me!? They would never do that, how dare you! If they were only here to hear you talk about them like that! You’re a terrible person!”
Me: “I did not say that and I do not know who this infection came from. Only that some person in the world gave it to you, someone you have had intercourse with at some point in history.”
Patient: “So now you’re accusing me of cheating!”
Me: “No ma’am/sir, I would never. The only thing I’m saying is if neither of you have ever had this before, it must have come from somewhere, someone.”
Patient: “Well who’s the cheater?”
Me: “I don’t know, there’s a decent chance you know that answer though.”
Patient: “I’m going to need documentation that my husband/wife cheated, for legal purposes.”
Me: “Sorry, I can’t do that. I can’t know that. But I can help you get rid of the infection.”
Patient: “What good is it if you can’t tell me who cheated?”
Me: “Please just take this prescription…”
There’s another way this situation plays out sometimes, and it’s much more tragic.
Me: “This infection you have, it’s only gotten by having intercourse with someone else who has it.”
Patient: “But I’m married.”
Me: “I understand, I’m sorry.”
Patient: “So how did I get it?”
Me: “It’s a sexually transmitted infection…”
Patient: “I heard you, but I’m married and my husband/wife doesn’t have it…”
Me (to myself): “Please connect the dots, please connect the dots…”
Patient: …
Me: …
Patient: “Well that’s strange, I’ll bet I got it from that dirty toilet seat at the movie theatre. It must have come from somewhere…”
Me: “Correct, somewhere…”
The “I don’t know where those metal things came from” patient 😶
Just an FYI, metal things show up on X-ray, even if they are covered with clothes or the hospital gown. That’s kind of the point of an X-ray, it can see through things. Remember this the next time you’re home from college and in the Urgent Care or ER with your parent(s) for a bad cough and need a chest X-ray. You might want to think about removing those nipple rings beforehand. Or at least don’t request to look at the X-ray with your mother/father in the room if they are significantly more conservative than you. This is also true of any X-ray that might show metal in “other” areas as well.
I’ve even tried to help you out. After seeing the X-ray and now knowing you have some “personal” piercings, I show the X-ray in a manner that only you can see it first before letting your parents see. Sometimes you catch on to what/why I’m showing you first, sometimes you don’t.
It’s hilarious when you don’t. 🙃
Well, I hope these little insights into the medical world help brighten up your day. There’s more to come for sure, but that’ll be enough for now.
Learn more, stay humble.
